The “Ambush” or Unprovoked Attack
If person A is sitting quietly reading a book, and person B enters the room and begins screaming or hurling insults without any prior interaction or relevant context, the “argument” is 100% the fault of Person B.
Physical or Emotional Abuse
In cases of abuse, the “two to tango” rule is strictly discarded.
- Power Imbalance: If one person uses fear, threats, or physical violence to control the other, they are 100% responsible for the conflict.
- Gaslighting: If a person creates a conflict based on a lie they have manufactured to destabilize the other person, the fault lies solely with the person manufacturing lies.
Objective Violation of Clear Boundaries
If two people have a crystal-clear, agreed-upon boundaries such as “Do not share my private information” and Person A intentionally breaks the healthy boundary regarding privacy, the resulting “argument” is the fault of the person who broke the healthy boundary.
Projection and Displaced Aggression
Sometimes a person has a terrible day at work, comes home, and picks a fight over something trivial because they can’t share what is bothering them at work. They have picked an argument and are at blame.
If the argument has nothing to do with the partner’s behaviour or activities and everything to do with the aggressor inability to deal with stressors or situations, the aggressor is responsible for the argument.
The “Fault” vs. “Response” Distinction
Even if a fight is 100% one person’s fault to start, the other person eventually has a choice in how they respond.
| Scenario | Initiation Fault | Participation Fault |
| Random Insult | 100% Aggressor | Shared if the victim escalates back |
| Lying/Cheating | 100% Violator | Shared if the victim uses it to justify abuse |
| Setting a Boundary | Setting an unhealthy boundary. Violating a healthy boundary. | 100% the person fault who set the unhealthy boundary. one 100% fault of the person who violate the healthy boundary. |
Why we rarely see “100% Fault” in Healthy Relationships
In a functional relationship, even if one person starts a conflict unfairly, the other person usually tries to de-escalate. If they instead “take the bait,” they become a co-author of the ensuing chaos. If you find yourself frequently being told everything is “100% your fault,” or if you feel you are the only one ever at fault, that may be a sign of an emotional imbalance or manipulation rather than objective truth be a sign that your relationship needs a therapist.