For the next ten days, focus on observing your current fighting style without trying to fix it.
- Day 1: Identify your “Conflict Style” (e.g., The Pursuer vs. The Withdrawer).
- Day 2: List your top three “Recurring Arguments” (the ones that never get solved).
- Day 3: Identify your physical “Tell” for anger (clenched jaw, heat in chest).
- Day 4: Log “Kitchen Sinking”—note every time a past issue is brought into a current one.
- Day 5: Track “Tone of Voice”—notice when sarcasm replaces directness.
- Day 6: Identify your “Early Warning System” (the moment you know a fight is coming).
- Day 7: Discuss “The Hangry Factor”—how hunger or fatigue affects your patience.
- Day 8: Audit your “Digital Habits”—do you argue over text? (Agree to stop this).
- Day 9: Identify “Interruption Patterns”—who talks over whom?
- Day 10: Share one thing your partner does well during a disagreement.
Today, review and define your arguing style in your relationship using the following styles as the basis to describe your arguing style for different situations in your relationship.
Competing
This is the “I win, you lose” approach. It is high on assertiveness and low on cooperativeness.
- When to use it: In emergencies where quick, decisive action is vital, or when an unpopular decision must be implemented.
- The Risk: It can breed resentment and damage long-term relationships if used as a primary tool.
Accommodating
The polar opposite of competing, this is “I lose, you win.” You prioritize the other person’s concerns over your own to maintain harmony.
- When to use it: When you realize you are wrong, when the issue matters much more to the other person, or when “keeping the peace” is more valuable than the specific outcome.
- The Risk: Your own needs may be consistently ignored, leading to burnout or “martyr” feelings.
Avoiding
This is the “No winner, no loser” style. You sidestep the conflict entirely, neither pursuing your own goals nor helping the other person with theirs.
- When to use it: When the issue is trivial, when tensions are too high and people need to cool down, or when you have no chance of winning.
- The Risk: Problems often fester and grow larger when they aren’t addressed.
Collaborating
This is the “I win, you win” style. It requires high assertiveness and high cooperation. Both parties work together to find a creative solution that fully satisfies everyone’s concerns.
- When to use it: When the concerns of both parties are too important to be compromised, or when you want to merge different perspectives.
- The Risk: It requires a lot of time, energy, and trust from both sides.
Compromising
This is the “We both win a little, we both lose a little” middle ground. It’s the “split the difference” approach where both sides give up something to reach a quick agreement.
- When to use it: When you need a temporary fix for a complex issue or when you’re at a standstill with a peer of equal power.
- The Risk: It can result in a “sub-optimal” solution where neither party is actually happy, just equally dissatisfied.